Parenting Idols of the Heart: Finding Hope in God’s Plan

As a middle school and high school principal, I have the privilege of walking alongside parents during some of the most challenging--and rewarding--years of raising children. These teenage years are often described as turbulent, but I believe they are also some of the most significant years for shaping a child’s faith and character.

In my conversations with parents, I’ve noticed a common theme: many of our struggles in parenting stem not just from our child’s behavior, but from what is ruling our own hearts. Scripture reminds us that we are all worshipers--we are always serving something, either God or something else (Romans 1). When our hearts cling to something other than God, it quickly becomes an idol. In parenting, these idols often show up subtly yet powerfully, influencing how we react to our teens.

1. The Idol of Comfort

We secretly long for life to be like a resort—peaceful, orderly, and convenient. We expect our home to be quiet, our evenings restful, and our children respectful. When this doesn’t happen, anger and frustration can bubble up. Why? Because our comfort has become something we demand.

But Scripture is clear: life is not a resort; it’s a spiritual battle (Ephesians 6:12). When comfort rules our hearts, we will begin to see our teenager as the enemy rather than the mission field. God calls us to lay down our comfort so that we can actively engage in the work of shepherding our child’s heart.

2. The Idol of Respect

Respect is good. The Bible calls children to honor their parents. However, when respect becomes the thing we must have, we will turn every disagreement into a battle for control. We lose sight of the fact that our teen’s ultimate issue is not with us--it’s with God.

When our demand for respect overshadows our mission to represent Christ, we end up fighting for something only God can produce in their hearts. Instead of saying, “You will respect me if it’s the last thing you do,” we need to say, “Lord, help me show my teen what it means to honor You, even when I’m not being honored.”

3. The Idol of Appreciation

Parents sacrifice endlessly for their children. It’s natural to want a “thank you” now and then. But when appreciation becomes our measure of success, discouragement and resentment quickly follow.

The teen years are often a season where gratitude runs low. If we base our joy on whether our children acknowledge our efforts, we’ve missed the bigger picture: our service is ultimately to God, not to receive applause from our children.

4. The Idol of Success

We live in a culture obsessed with outcomes--grades, sports achievements, college acceptances, and career paths. It’s easy to slip into thinking, If I do everything right, my child will turn out perfect. But our children are not our trophies; they are God’s creation, entrusted to us for His glory.

Success in parenting is not measured by producing model citizens but by faithfully pointing our children to Christ. God reminds us in Isaiah 55:8-9 that His ways are higher than ours. He is writing their story, not us.

5. The Idol of Control

Perhaps the most tempting idol in parenting is control. When our kids were little, we controlled everything--what they wore, where they went, who they played with. But the teenage years bring independence. Teens make choices. They test boundaries. And parents often panic, grasping tighter for control.

True biblical parenting means trusting God with our children, even when they make mistakes. Remember:

• No situation is outside of God's control.

• God is always at work, even in the messy moments.

• Our goal is not to conform our teens to our image but to Christ’s.

When control rules our hearts, we focus on behavior modification rather than heart transformation. But God calls us to shepherd our teenagers' hearts, not just enforce rules.

Challenge

As we seek to parent our teens biblically, we must begin with a thorough review of our own hearts. Do we feel so entitled to ease and comfort that we react in anger or frustration anytime our teen steps out of line? Do we look for respect in every encounter with our teen? Has our ultimate goal in our relationship with our teen become seeking appreciation? Have we elevated our teenagers' success and achievement to such a level that it divides the relationship and brings anxiety? Have we allowed ourselves to become so concerned with controlling behavior that we have forgotten to reach their heart?

Parenting teenagers biblically requires that we examine our own hearts, root out the idols, and reach the hearts of our teenagers.

To read more on this topic, check out Paul Tripp's book Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens.